


365 Days Later

by PharaohKatt



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Iron Man - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, F/M, Gen, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, Tony Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-11
Updated: 2017-03-27
Packaged: 2018-05-13 05:13:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5696338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PharaohKatt/pseuds/PharaohKatt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony Stark has never been the most stable of people. But mostly he holds it together. Mostly. </p><p>But now it's the anniversary of the Battle of New York, and mentions of it are everywhere. How will the genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist cope?<br/>Hint: Not well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Steve Can't Catch A Break

Steve sat in the shared dining are of Avengers Tower with a paper and a bowl of serial. It had become a routine, a way to remind himself each day of the people he had surrounded himself with, who cared about him. It was hard sometimes, thinking of Bucky and Peggy and everything he'd lost. A daily reminder was more than good, it was a necessity.

Today Clint and Natasha had joined him, happily bickering amongst themselves. They were used to this routine, and although they didn't exclude him from their conversations, they also didn't press for him to participate.

“I'll have you know that I am the scrabble champion. I can beat you in three moves,” Clint said.

“I think what you mean is that you only know three words,” Natasha replied. “The only way you could beat me is if I had no tiles.”

“Challenge accepted!”

Tony walked in then, bleary-eyed and slow. He was obviously exhausted, because he opted for a pod coffee rather than try to wrestle with the fancy espresso machine.

“Rough night?” asked Natasha.

Tony looked up and blinked his eyes slowly moving over the table, as if he had just now noticed there were other people in the room. When he glanced at Steve, his face darkened. Without a word he turned and walked back out of the room.

“He's certainly charming,” said Clint.

Steve just shrugged and returned to reading.

 

~*~

 

Two days later, Steve was in the lounge watching CNN. For some reason he hadn't been able to find a newspaper vendor recently, so he had resigned himself to watching the news on TV instead of reading. Bruce, Natasha and Clint were seated on the floor around the coffee table playing scrabble.

“That's cheating!” cried Clint. “You can't use Russian words when we're playing with the English dictionary.”

“Does it even count as correctly spelled if it's using Roman letters?” asked Bruce.

Natasha crossed her arms in front of her. “Oh, so I can't use _Prygat_ but Bruce can use _Ranasmurfin_?”

“Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it's not a real word!” Bruce countered.

“That's a total double standard,” Natasha protested.

Tony came in then, coffee in hand, characteristic smirk on his face, and sat down in the empty spot at the table. He looked briefly at the Scrabble board and laughed.

“You know, _argoni_ _tati_ _on_ isn't a real word. And _anhydride_ is spelled with one _y_ , not two.”

Bruce crossed his arms and pouted. “Damn it, Tony, I was hoping they wouldn't notice.”

“Face it, Banner, you've been caught red-handed,” Clint said, smirking.

Steve sighed and turned up the television, trying to hear what was happening over the din made by his colleagues. Tony glanced sharply up at the screen, as if seeing it for the first time, and frowned. Then, just as quickly, he gave a very Tony-like grin to the squabbling Scrabble players.

“My work here is done! Now if you'll excuse me, some of us have important work to do.” He picked up his coffee and sauntered out. Steve couldn't help but notice that his smile didn't reach his eyes.

 

~*~

 

It was a full week before Steve saw Tony again. Something was wrong with the television, and despite sending numerous requests through Jarvis, Tony still hadn't been up to fix it. He had tried to use the internet, but even that was having issues loading pages. It bothered him that in a house run by an engineering genius it was this hard to access information.

He found Tony in his workshop, surrounded by various wires and metal plates. AC/DC was blaring loudly, and he didn't seem to notice he had company. After unsuccessfully trying to get his attention, Steve decided to take matters into his own hands.

“Jarvis, kill the music.”

The room went quiet. There was a clutter as Tony dropped his tools and turned around. He lifted his safety goggles onto his head and glared at the Captain. Steve noticed that his eyes were red and lined with deep bags.

“Damn it, Steve, you never heard of knocking?”

Steve rolled his eyes. “I knocked. And called. If the music wasn't so loud you might have noticed. “

Tony rubbed a hand over his face, leaving a faint line of grease on the bridge of his nose. “Ok, whatever. What do you want?”

“Something's wrong with the television. I can't seem to get a signal. And the internet is acting strange. I think someone may have hacked our system.”

Tony sighed and walked to one of his displays. He moved various icons and pictures around, but Steve couldn't really follow what he was doing.

“Jarvis, bring up the telecom displays. Check systems for external threats to the mainframe.”

“I am not detecting and external threats or malfunctions, Sir.”

“Hmm, ok. Something's definitely up. Run a full systems scan.”

Code began to scroll on the display, different sections occasionally flashing and enlarging.

“There's the problem,” Tony said, pointing to one of the flashing sections. “Looks like there's some debris, probably a meteor cloud. It's interfering with the solar array. I'll need to reset the systems to compensate. Might take a few days.”

“Sir, I am not-” Jarvis began, but was quickly silenced by Tony hitting mute.

He turned to Steve. “If there's nothing else, I'd like to get back to work.”

He didn't wait for an answer, simply turned the music back on and returned to his pile of parts. Steve frowned and left.

“Jarvis, where's Pepper?” he asked, once he had gotten into the elevator.

“Miss Potts is in her office in the penthouse. Would you like me to relay a message?”

“Yes please. Have her meet me in the common floor kitchen. Tell her it's urgent.”

Pepper didn't waste any time. Steve had barely been waiting five minutes when she exited the elevator and made a beeline for him.

“It's Tony isn't it?” she asked.

Steve nodded. “I haven't seen him around lately. Normally that wouldn't surprise me, but the internet's been down and I went to ask him about it-”

“Wait, the internet's been down? It's been working fine in my office.”

“I can't get it to work. When I went down to ask he said something about debris and the solar array, but I think he was lying.”

Pepper nodded. “Has anything else strange been happening?”

“Well...” He thought for a second. “The only reason I was trying to access the internet was because the television isn't working. It'll still run games and movies, but all of the stations just display static. And the only reason I was watching TV in the first place is because no one within two blocks of here seems to be selling newspapers.”

Pepper covered her face with a hand and shook her head. “I should have known this would happen.”

“What would happen? What's going on, Pepper?”

She rubbed her eyes in a very Tony-like manner. “It's the anniversary of New York in a few days. It's been on the news and the front page of every paper for the last two weeks.”

“Wait, he doesn't want to see it so he's just getting rid of everything related to it and shutting himself off from the world?”

“It's what he does.” She stood up straighter, a look of resolve on her face. “Jarvis, I thought I asked you to tell me when he got like this.”

“I apologise, Miss Potts. It seems Sir has deleted that part of my programming.”

“Ok, never mind. Activate Tau Protocol.” She began walking quickly and purposefully towards the elevator. “Steve, some with me, I'm going to need your help.”

“Why do you need my help?”

“Because Tony is heavy.”

 

~*~

 

As soon as they entered the workshop the music stopped. Tony clattered around again and pulled his safety goggles off angrily.

“Rogers, I swear to god...” He stopped when he noticed Pepper was there. “Hey, Pep, how are things? I thought you were busy today.”

“Steve called me. What's going on, Tony?” She stepped towards him. Steve tried to keep back, not wanting to interfere with what was happening.

“Nothing. Nothing's going on. Everything is fine. Go back to work, I'll fix the net. It's fine.”

She sighed. “Jarvis, when was the last time Tony slept?”

“Sir last slept 74 hours ago.”

“Hey, that's not true! I had that nap!”

“Apologies, Sir. Barring a ten minute rest 23 hours ago, Sir has not slept for 74 hours.”

“I see. And have you been eating?”

“Yes, mom, I've been eating.”

“Jarvis?”

“Sir has been subsisting on a liquid diet of coffee and a daily energy smoothie.”

“Traitor,” Tony said sullenly.

“Apologies again, Sir, but Tau Protocol has been activated.”

“Then un-activate it.”

“I cannot do that, Sir. Full authority now resides with Miss Potts. And only Miss Potts.”

Pepper stepped closer again and ran her hands through Tony's hair. “We talked about this. You said you'd talk to me when things got bad,” she said softly.

He closed his eyes and leaned his head against hers. “I'm trying, Pep. I'm trying to keep it together. I just...” His voice choked. He cleared his throat before trying again. “It happens so slowly. Sometimes I don't even realise how bad it is until I see you in here with that look on your face.”

“Oh, Tony.” She reached up her other hand and gently placed it on the back of his neck. “I think it's time to sleep.”

He jumped back, a look of alarm on his face. “Pepper, no. No, Pepper. Not... Not sleep. I'm not...” He blinked, his eyes going slowly out of focus. “What... What's...”

Steve was already en route towards Tony when Pepper said “catch him.” Then he was standing there with 170 pounds of sleeping engineer in his arms and still not quite sure what was happening.

“I put a sleep patch on his neck,” said Pepper, noting his confusion. “If it's this bad, chemical measures are the only way to make sure he sleeps without dreaming.”

Steve nodded in understanding. “Should I put him on the couch?” he asked, gesturing with his head.

“No, we're taking him to a real bed.”

They rode the elevator without talking. Steve was a little bit worried about waking Tony, despite Pepper's assurances that he wouldn't budge. They finally arrived at the room and Steve helped Pepper remove Tony's shoes and get him into the bed. He turned to leave, but stopped, looking worriedly at Tony's sleeping form.

“I can... I can stay, if you like. If that's ok.”

Pepper nodded. “He'll be out for the next 9 hours. You're free to come and go as much as you like.”


	2. When The Tough Get Going

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pepper and Steve are trying their best to help Tony. But their plans aren't going, well, according to plan.

Tony woke with a start, disoriented. His mind desperately tried to make sense of his surroundings and the events that lead him there. He was in the workshop, Steve was there, and then Pepper, and... Shit. He reached to the back of his neck and pulled off what looked like a nicotine patch. A sleep inducer. He cursed himself for allowing Bruce to create these things.

As his head cleared he realised he wasn't the only one in the room. On a chair next to him was Steve, reading a copy of _Bellwether._ Captain -fucking- America was watching him sleep. In the next room he could hear someone moving around, and soon the smell of fresh coffee wafted in.

“Don't you look comfy,” he said to Steve, slowly sitting up in bed. He was still in his work clothes but his shoes had been removed.

Steve looked up from behind his book. “Oh, good, you're awake. How are you feeling?”

“Like I've been betrayed by my own AI and drugged by my girlfriend,” he said, rubbing his head. “Speaking of which...”

Pepper walked in, steaming cup of coffee in her hand. “If that's how you feel, I'm sure Steve would appreciate this cup,” she said, a slight smile on her face.

“No, no, coffee good. Pepper good.” He eagerly took the cup and sipped. It was good. Much better than the swill he had taken to drinking for the last few... How long had it been? The days had blurred together.

Steve stood up and closed his book. “Well, I'll leave you two to it. Dinner on the common floor in an hour.”

He gave Tony a curt nod, smiled at Pepper, and left the room.

Tony pulled himself out of bed and began to put on his shoes. “Thanks, Pep, I really needed the sleep,” he said, not meeting her eyes. It was embarrassing, honestly, to have her see him like that. “If you don't mind, I'd like to get back to work. I've been working on some modifications to the suit to better withstand Thor's...” he stopped, noticing the look on her face. “What?”

“No, you are not going back to work. You heard the Captain, dinner in an hour. I suggest you shower and change before then.”

“But Pep,” he whined. He cringed at the way he sounded like a five-year-old.

“No buts, Tony. Now get to the shower, or you'll make all of use lose our appetites.”

 

~*~

 

Steve wasn't entirely convinced that Tony would show, but he called the other _Avengers_ in anyway. It wasn't something they did every night, but whenever one of the them suggested a team dinner, no one was likely to refuse.

Clint and Natasha were there first. Clint was still wearing his bow, but took it off at Natasha's insistence.Together they set the table. Clint had fun showing off his juggling skills with the cutlery before tossing it onto the table. Steve was only a little bit surprised that they all landed exactly where they were meant to on the table.

When Bruce arrived, looking slightly dishevelled, he moved to help Steve with the mixing and dishing up the food.

Finally Pepper and Tony arrived. Tony was looking less worn out after his 9-hour nap, but he was still pale and gaunt. The hand that wasn't entwined with Pepper's was almost imperceptibly shaking. Steve tried not to watch him too much as he slowly made his way to the table and took a seat.

He noticed Natasha and Clint give each other a glance, but they continued to act as if everything was normal. Bruce placed the bowls of food on the table, then took a seat next to Tony.

“Hey, haven't seen you in my lab much recently,” he said casually.

Tony gave a half smile. “Yeah, I've been busy.”

Bruce nodded. “Yeah, I know what that's like. But hey, if you ever get a minute I could really use some help on a new project.”

Tony perked up somewhat at that. “Of course, what's the project?”

“I'm working on an advanced medical scanner. I have a lot of the code figured out, but I could really use your expertise for the hardware.”

Steve relaxed as he noticed Tony become involved in the conversation. He caught Pepper's eye, who gave him a small nod. Even if he was only picking at his food, it was close enough to normalcy that Steve was pleased.

Once the dishes were cleared away, Clint suggested a movie.

“I've got some Doctor Who queued up that I've been meaning to watch,” said Tony.

Steve couldn't be happier. He had gone from hiding in the workshop to suggesting that the team watch a show together. “Yeah, that sounds good. I'll make the popcorn.”

They settled down to watch, popcorn and beer being liberally shared around. Tony sat in the middle of one of the couches, Pepper on one side and Bruce on the other. The two scientists were talking excitedly about Doctor Who physics, and how it couldn't work for reasons Steve didn't understand. Tony actually looked happy.

He should have known it was too good to last.

The episode started with a bus being pulled through a wormhole. He glanced carefully at Tony, trying not to draw attention to the action. Tony's lips were pursed and his eyes had widened. He saw him grip Pepper's hand just a little bit tighter.

When the bus emerged on the other side, in a desert of all places, he cracked. His breath hitched. He stood up and practically ran from the room, leaving a worried looking team behind him. Steve went to follow, but was stopped by Pepper. She held her hand out and gently shook her head, before gesturing for Bruce to follow her.

Steve didn't like feeling so helpless, but he figured Pepper knew what she was doing. He tried to keep watching the show, but his heart and mind were no longer in it.

 

~*~

 

Bruce hesitantly followed Pepper into the hall. He had seen one of Tony's breakdowns before, so he knew roughly what to expect, but the specifics sometimes varied. They found him in the elevator, hunched over in the corner and breathing heavily. He hadn't asked Jarvis to take him anywhere, and Bruce wasn't sure he was even capable at this point.

Pepper sat down beside Tony and put her hand on his shoulder. He flinched slightly, but then brought up his own hand to cover hers.

“Tony, can you look at me?” she asked softly. He shook his head. “That's ok. Bruce is here. He's gonna talk you through it, ok?” Tony nodded.

This wasn't the first time Bruce had talked Tony down from an anxiety attack. Bruce was the person he responded to best in these situations, probably because he had been through the same thing, if not a little greener.

Pepper stepped back to allow him access. “Hey Tony, it's Bruce. We're gonna try a little exercise, ok? I want you to count backwards with me from 20.”

Tony nodded, and Bruce began counting. At first, Tony only mouthed the words, his breathing interfering with his ability to speak. But once they had hit 9, he was able to talk a little better. His breathing slowed and became more even.

“Good, Tony, that's good. You're probably a bit dizzy now. I need you to lie down for me.” Tony shook his head. “It's ok, there's no one else here, just you, me, and Pepper. I need you to lie down.”

He didn't comply, and so Bruce gently took hold of his shoulders and guided him backwards until he was lying in the floor of the elevator.

“You know, since we're here, how about we head to my lab and you can take a look at that medical scanner I told you about?”

Tony nodded. “Yeah. You don't have a chance at finishing it without me.”


	3. It Was Inevitable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was going to happen. It was just a matter of time.

Tony wasn't happy. It was bad enough that he couldn't sleep, now Pepper had him on lock-down. Tau Protocol was one of the most annoying programmes he'd ever created. He could move freely throughout the tower, but he couldn't go into his workshop without someone accompanying him. No more all-night tinkering.

Not only that, but Pepper now had complete control over Jarvis. Tony couldn't stop him from doing anything Pepper asked. That meant that, once Tau Protocol was engaged, only Pepper had the authority to turn it off.

To make matters worse, it was his idea in the first place. After the battle with the Mandarin and Extremis he didn't trust himself anymore. He needed to know that Pepper would step up and take over, stop him from being completely self destructive.

Worst. Idea. Ever.

She had never actually used it before, which was probably an indication of how bad he looked right now.

He lay in bed, trying to sleep, but every time he feels himself drift off, he's brought to an abrupt awakening by images of the void. After the fourth time he decided it was a losing battle, and he might as well just get up.

But where could he go? He couldn't enter his workshop without company, and he seriously doubted Pepper would be too happy about being dragged awake at 3am so he could tinker. Of course, there were no such barriers on Bruce's workshop.

He didn't bother changing out of his sweats, just threw on some sneakers and a sweater and headed down.

Tony used manual controls in the elevator. Even if he knew it was stupid, he didn't want to talk to Jarvis after he had sold him out to Pepper. Of course, he knew it was his own fault for not talking to Pepper in the first place, but it still stung.

He was surprised to see the light in the lab was on. Bruce had his back to Tony, and was studying something in a microscope before scribbling notes. When Tony opened the door, he turned around and smiled.

“I figured you'd find your way here,” he said casually.

“You waiting up for me, Doc?”

“No, just having trouble sleeping. Thought I'd make myself useful.”

Tony nodded. He should have guessed that the fellow scientist was also having some trouble this time of year. And they always did have insomnia in common.

Bruce stood up and made his way to the small kitchenette and put the kettle on. The lab was, of course, fully stocked with all the amenities Bruce could want.

“Would you like some tea? I have a new ginseng I'd like to try.”

“Yeah, why not.” He'd rather have some Scotch, but there was no alcohol in Bruce's lab.

Bruce put the teapot on a coffee table to steep, along with two teacups, a strainer, and a bottle of honey. Tony liked things sweet. He sat on one of the couches and patted the space next to him. “Come sit with me for a bit.”

Tony obliged.

“Do you want to talk?” Bruce asked, not quite making eye contact.

“I... I don't really want to talk about it, if it's all the same to you.”

Bruce nodded. “I can understand that. I need to ask you about the scanner anyway. It's working a lot better since your modifications, but it's still having trouble differentiating between the normal bacteria inhabiting each human and harmful bacteria.”

Tony nodded. “We could set a batch of pre-programmed organisms for it to look for, but we'd need some way to compensate for the evolution of viruses.”

“Not to mention it would limit the scope of the device.”

“Hmm, we could programme an algorithm to simulate virus mutation and run it continuously on one of my unused databanks. Then we could equip the scanner with a satellite relay, with constant updates based on the data.”

“Yes, of course! And we can make manual updates if there's an outbreak of something the algorithm didn't predict!”

Tony couldn't resist smiling at Bruce's enthusiasm. He was glad he'd come here, it was already getting his mind off... things.

It doesn't take long before the two of them are engrossed in their work, swapping technical jargon back and forth like they had been doing it for decades. For the next few hours, Tony was able to completely forget about New York, space, even death, as his mind focussed only on Bruce and the device the two of them were making together.

 

~*~

 

Pepper tries not to be alarmed when she wakes up to an empty bed. She knows that Jarvis would have warned her if Tony was in any danger, but given the state he'd been in it still set her on edge to not have him around.

“Jarvis, where's Tony?”

“Sir is currently in Doctor Banner's laboratory.”

Good, he was with a friend at least. “How is he?”

“He and Doctor Banner worked until 6am this morning, at which time Doctor Banner retired. Sir has remained in the laboratory.”

“He hasn't slept?”

“No, Miss Potts.”

“Ok. Thank you Jarvis.”

She dressed, then sent a quick email to her P.A. telling him to clear her schedule for the next week. She wasn't going to be in the office for at least that long. Then it was time to find Tony.

He was in the lab, just as Jarvis said. He was sitting at a diagram-covered desk, sifting through papers and making notes in pen. He must have still been annoyed at Jarvis since he hadn't turned on one of his interactive displays.

When Pepper opened the door, he shot up, clearly startled. His blood-shot eyes confirmed Jarvis's earlier statement that he hadn't slept.

“Hey, how are you doing?”

“It's fine, Pep. I'm working. Me and Bruce, we've almost got this figured out.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Really? And how much sleep have you had?”

He smirked, and for a second looked like his old self. “Sleep is for people too weak to drink coffee,” he said.

She rolled her eyes at that. “Come on, Tony, you have to take a break some time. How about we go and get some breakfast at that cafe down the road?”

He visibly stiffened, and she mentally hit herself for suggesting it. There was no way he was willingly going to leave the tower today. “I'm, uh, I'm not hungry. You go without me.”

He turned away from her then, and Pepper worried if she hadn't just closed him off for the day.

“If I might make a suggestion,” Jarvis piped up, “Captain Rogers is currently preparing breakfast on the common floor.”

“Yeah, not in the mood for some team bonding thanks Jarvis,” Tony said curtly.

“Captain Rogers is currently alone. Doctor Banner is in his room and Agents Barton and Romanoff have left on a S.H.I.E.L.D. mission.”

Pepper smiled. “That sounds like a great idea, thank you Jarvis.” She grabbed Tony's arm and pulled him away from his paperwork.

“Fine, but there had better be some waffles.”

 

~*~

 

Steve wasn't sure what he was expecting when he woke up that morning, but it certainly wasn't Jarvis asking him to make waffles. He reasons became clear shortly after when Tony stumbled into the room being pulled by a tight-lipped Pepper.

He looked terrible. His eyes were sunken, his skin was pale, and he was wearing the most unflattering outfit Steve had ever seen him in. He didn't say hello, just gave a small wave before slumping down into one of the chairs.

Pepper gave Steve a small smile and began to silently start a pot of coffee. Steve took the hint and finished his meal preparations in silence.

Tony didn't even look at him until he'd placed a plate of waffles and a bottle of syrup down on the table in front of him.

“Thanks.”

He picked up a fork and began to poke at his food. Steve pretended not to notice the way he was moving his food around, not really eating it. He took the occasional bite, but his plate was still almost full by the time Steve had finished eating.

“What, my waffles aren't up to Stark standards?” Steve joked. Or tried to. It obviously hadn't gone over well.

Pepper stiffened. Tony dropped his fork with a clatter, stood up, and bolted from the room.

 

~*~

 

_Damn it damn it damn it._

Tony paced back and forth in the corridor in front of his room. He tried not to think of Steve's words, how much they had reminded him of other words spoken so long ago.

“ _Not good enough.”_

“ _Your work isn't up to Stark standards.”_

“ _You aren't up to Stark standards.”_

“ _You'll never be up to my standards.”_

_Damn it!_

He kicked at a wall, then winced as his foot shot with pain. Ok, bad idea.

He knew Steve didn't mean it. He was trying to make a joke. He didn't know he'd trigger this kind of reaction.

He didn't know whether he was more angry at his father for saying those words, or at himself for believing them.

Stark standards. The unattainable goal his father pushed him – sometimes literally – to achieve. He was never good enough. He never met Howard Stark's standards.

_Damn it!_

He kicked the wall again, gritting his teeth through the pain. Howard was dead, he wasn't coming back. It was pointless to remain angry at the man.

So he was angry at himself.

Angry for believing him. Angry for continuing to love him when the emotional abuse became physical. Angry for turning to drink, just as Howard had done. Angry for never meeting his father's standards.

He should have died. He took that missile and he flew it through the portal. He never expected to wake up on the other side.

He shouldn't be here.

He punched the wall this time, and kept punching it until his hand was covered in blood. Then he moved on to the other.

Blood on his hands. It was only fitting after all the pain he had caused.

His thoughts continued to swirl, jumping between the pain he had caused and the pain his father caused him until he couldn't separate one from the other.

He could vaguely hear Jarvis talking to him, but he wasn't clear headed enough to make out the words. The only thing he could think about what the pain and the blood and the nightmares.

He didn't know how he ended up in his room, a bottle clenched tightly in his bloodied fist. But he knew he wanted to stay here until the bottle was as empty as himself.

It was pointless using electronic locks to keep people out. Pepper would override them.

Instead he shut himself in the bedroom and pushed a chest of drawers against the door. It wasn't perfect, but it would have to do.

He'd only managed to down half of the bottle by the time Steve shoved open the door.

 

~*~

 

A soon as Steve had the door open Pepper rushed in. Tony was sitting against the bathroom door with a half empty bottle of scotch. His hands were covered in blood, and his eyes were unfocussed.

“Tony? Tony, can you hear me?”

“H- hey Pep.”

“Ok, good, he's responsive. Steve, get him on the bed. Jarvis, what's Bruce's ETA?” Pepper assumed Jarvis had already put the call out for the good doctor.

“Doctor Banner will be arriving in 37 seconds.” She had assumed correctly.

Steve effortlessly hauled Tony up and placed him on the bed. Tony struggled a little, but was too weak to do anything effectual, even against a non-advanced human. Once he was sure Tony wouldn't move, Steve stepped back to allow him space.

Bruce rushed in, bag in hand, and knelt down beside the bed.

“Tony, Bruce is gonna take a look at you, ok?”

“Where iss th- goo- doc?”

Bruce's eyes grew wide with concern, and he threw a startled look in Steve's direction. “I'm right here, Tony. Right in front of you.” He pulled out a light from his bag and shined it into his eyes. “Pupils are dilated. I'm guessing the blood loss and alcohol combined with the stress have put his body in a state of shock. Pepper, blanket, keep him warm.”

He pulled some swabs, antiseptic, and gauze out of his med kit. “Tony, I'm gonna need to see your hands. This might sting a bit.”

He carefully began to clean and assess his wounds.

“Steve, do you still drink that horrible sports stuff?”

“Yeah, Tony... Tony always made sure I had a supply.” His voice cracked as he spoke.

“Good. Given the amount of alcohol he's ingested, he'll need fluids and electrolytes, and the sugar should help to combat the effects of shock.”

Steve nodded and left to fetch some. Tony had stopped squirming and was lying on the bed with a dazed look on his face, as if he didn't quite know where he was. Pepper joined him on the bed and put her arm around him over the blanket.

“Is he gonna be ok?” she asked.

“He has a metacarpal fracture on his right ring finger, and both his hands are quite badly bruised, but that will heal. He hasn't done any permanent damage.”

“That's not what I asked.”

Bruce ducked his head. “I know.”

They sat in silence until Steve returned with his drinks. Pepper went to the kitchen to fetch one of Tony's smoothie cups. She tipped the blue liquid into it and carefully held the straw up to his lips.

“Small sips, Tony.”

He obliged.

Bruce removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. “There's nothing else we can do for tonight, just make sure he gets rest and drinks at least half of that cup before falling asleep.”

Pepper nodded. “I think I can take care of him myself,” she said hesitantly.

Steve shook his head. “You need to take care of yourself, too. We'll stay.” He looked to Bruce for confirmation, who nodded.

“You're not in this alone, Pepper. Neither of you are.”

Pepper smiled. She could take care of him herself, she had no doubt about that, but it felt nice that she didn't have to. “Thank you. There's a couch in the room next door if either of you want to relax.”

Steve placed a comforting hand on Pepper's shoulder. “He's gonna be ok, Pep.”

“I hope you're right.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To anyone who might be confused over Tony's breakdown:  
> It isn't uncommon for people with anxiety to have panic attacks over seemingly small things. This is even more true when that person has been under a lot of stress, or is feeling very fragile.   
> Basically Steve's comment reminded him of Howard and that was a tipping point.


	4. Coming Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony has hit the bottom. Now it's time for the slow climb back up.

Tony woke up with a pounding head and very few memories of the previous morning. He assumed he'd gotten drunk, given the way his eyes were avoiding all light, but he honestly couldn't remember picking up the bottle.

As his head slowly cleared he realised he was in his bed, still fully dressed, with an arm draped over his chest. He blinked wearily and made out Pepper's sleeping form, also fully dressed, beside him. He raised his hand to place over hers and discovered that his fingers were sore and bandaged. What happened?

Pepper was woken by his movement and looked over at him. “How are you feel?” she asked.

He tried to speak but only managed to groan. Everything hurt.

Pepper offered him some bright blue liquid, and he drank a few sips, trying to ignore the way his stomach protested.

“Good, good. How's your head?”

“Sore.” He struggled to sit up. “What time is it?”

“A little after five. You've been asleep most of the day.”

He went to rub his head, and was reminded of the bandages. He stared at his hands, trying to figure out what exactly he'd done to them. Pepper must have seen his look of bewilderment.

“What do you remember?”

“We were at breakfast? And... Steve said something, I got upset... It's all a bit of a blur.”

“Blackout drunk after only half a bottle, how you've changed,” she joked.

“Clearly.” He finally managed to roll off the bed. “What happened to my hands?”

“It seems that the wall insulted your honour.”

He cringed. “I was that bad, huh?”

She nodded. “Since you're up, we should probably have Bruce take another look at you. I don't think he could properly plaster the breaks this morning.”

He limped after her into their lounge, where Bruce and Steve were on the couch watching a movie. Steve looked up at him and smiled.

“Hey, you're awake. How was the nap?”

“If I'd have know it was that easy to sleep I would have tried copious drinking sooner.”

Bruce stood up and took one of Tony's hands. “Next time don't do that on an empty stomach, ok?” He gently guided him to the couch and began unwrapping the bandages on his left hand. He gently placed some antibacterial cream on the worst of the grazes before carefully placing new bandages on it.

Satisfied with the left, Bruce moved on to the right. “This one's broken,” he said. “I'll need to take you to the med lab to scan it and set it properly.”

Tony sighed. He was still feeling bleary, and not at all up for a walk, but he saw the worry in Pepper's face and nodded.

“Ok, yeah. Let's get this done quickly.”

Bruce tidied his gear and made his way to the door. Pepper and Steve gave Tony a questioning look, but he shook his head for them not to follow, then limped after Bruce. Bruce threw a concerned look at his leg, but didn't say anything until they reached the med lab.

Once they arrived, he gestured for Tony to sit on one of the cots. “Before we scan your hand I'd like to take a look at that foot.”

Tony nodded, and attempted to remove his shoes with his left hand, but fumbled.

“Here, let me,” Bruce said.

Tony tried not to feel ashamed as the doctor deftly untied his sneakers and removed them. He took a deep breath. “So, I was hoping to talk to you alone.”

Bruce didn't look up from his examination. “Oh? While I'm tempted by the offer, I'm not sure Pepper's ready to share,” he said.

Tony could have sworn he saw him smirk. “Clearly the worst parts of me are rubbing off on you,” he joked in return.

Bruce looked up this time and grinned. “So what can I help you with?”

He took another breath. “I'm... It's... I'm not in good shape, Doc. I could... I'd like... I need help.” He closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable 'I told you so'. Instead, he felt the cot dip slightly as Bruce sat down next to him.

“Sure. Did you have anything specific in mind? There are medications that can-”

“No!” Tony said, cutting him off. He sighed and softened his voice. “No, no drugs. I just... You know my history. I don't think I can be trusted with them right now.”

Bruce nodded. “I understand. There's other things you can try. I can teach you some mindfulness meditation. That has proven benefits for people with depression and anxiety.”

“I'll try it. I'll try anything.”

“That's good. You should also consider talking to someone professional.” Tony stilled, but Bruce continued speaking. “I can give you the number of someone with security clearance.”

“I... I don't know.”

“That's fine. I'll give you the number, you call if and when you're ready.”

Tony covered his face with his hands and shook slightly. He couldn't cry. Not now, not in front of Bruce. He felt a hand on his shoulder.

“It's gonna get better. It won't go away, not ever, but you'll learn to deal with it.”

Tony shook harder and choked back a sob. He found he couldn't speak. Luckily Bruce seemed to know not to try and make him. He got off the cot and went back to Tony's foot. He pulled some tape out of his bag and strapped the last two toes together. “I'd suggest getting some exercise, but you've broken your toe. You'll need to try and stay off your feet for the next few weeks.”

Tony nodded.

“Ok, not much more I can do for that except give you an injection to help the pain. In the meantime, let's get that hand sorted.”

 

~*~

 

Over the next few days, Steve felt like he was walking on eggshells. Pepper had told him repeatedly not to blame himself, but he still felt responsible for Tony's breakdown. He found himself avoiding the common areas of the tower as much as possible. On the increasingly rare occasions that he was in the same room as Tony, he avoided eye contact as much as possible.

Clearly dealing with other people's trauma was not one of his strengths.

The one thing he didn't expect was for Tony to confront him about it.

He was in the common lounge reading. It was early, just gone five, and he didn't expect anyone to be awake. He liked to read before going on his morning jog; exercise the mind as well as the body. Suddenly he found the book being torn out of his hands by a very tired, and very angry looking Tony.

“Out with it,” he said.

Steve blinked, surprised. “Out with what?”

Tony threw the book onto the coffee table and took a seat opposite Steve. He followed his arms and glared. “You've been avoiding me.”

“I... yes.” There was no point in denying it.

“Why?”

Steve didn't respond.

“Why!? Am I too much for you to handle? Keep away from Tony, folks, he might flip!” His voice cracked, but he didn't stop the tirade. “Is this what you do to friends? Someone needs a bit more support than usual and you wash your hands of them. Too hard! Too much effort. Better to just give up and hope for the best!”

“I'm sorry, I didn't think-”

“Didn't think what? That I wouldn't notice? That I had feelings? That I might need help from time to time?”

“That you'd want to me around.”

Tony stopped his rant, visibly deflating. When he spoke again, his voice was quiet. “Why the hell would you think that?”

“Because it was my fault! I wasn't thinking, I just made that stupid joke and... What's so funny?”

Tony was laughing now, tears in his eyes. “You think this was your fault?”

Steve was dumbfounded. He didn't know how to deal with a crying Tony or a laughing Tony and now he had both at once.

“Yes, your joke may have been the breaking point, but you know what sort of shape I was in before that. Hell, you're the one that clued Pepper in.”

“So it was my joke.”

“You're not listening! Anything could have set me off that day. Literally anything! Yes, it was your comment, but if it wasn't that it would have been something else.”

“Oh.” He rubbed his hands together nervously. “I... I want to help.”

Tony wiped his eyes and looked up at Steve. “Really?”

Steve nodded.

“Ok. Here's what you can do. Bruce gave me this number for a psych. I'm supposed to meet her tomorrow. Think you can drag me to my first appointment?”

“Sure, of course.” He paused. “Wait, do you mean physically drag you or just be there for moral support?”

Tony waved a hand in a vague gesture. “Either/or. Both probably.”

“Yeah. Ok. I can do that.”

“Good. Good. Oh, Bruce also said I should exercise. Obviously can't do much of that right now, but when my foot heals up would you mind if I accompanied you on your morning runs? Again, physical coercion may be needed.”

Steve laughed. “Ok. As soon as you get the all-clear from Bruce.” He smiled, glad to be of use for once. “Is there anything else I can do for you?”

“Yes.” Tony looked him dead in the eye. “Stop avoiding me. I'm not going to break merely from your presence.”

Steve stood up and held out his hand for Tony to shake. “Done.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only the epilogue left after this. I hope you've all enjoyed it!


	5. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One year later, Steve and Tony talk about what life has become.

_365 Days Later_

Steve ran along the track considerably slower than he would on his own. Although Tony was a lot faster than he was when they first started their daily jogs, it was still a snail's pace compared to Steve's serum-enhanced muscles and cardiovascular system. They had a good routine going. Steve would perform his early morning weight and cardio training, then Tony would join him for a jog afterwards. It allowed Steve to still train at his level, whilst still being there to ensure Tony was getting the full benefits of exercise.

It was normally a quiet experience. Tony didn't like to talk much while running, so he played some up-beat music through the ceiling speakers and the two men just enjoyed each other's company. Today, though, Steve had noticed a change in Tony. He was slower than he would normally be, his strides sloppier, and his face was dark. Steve didn't need words to know something was up.

When they had finished and were towelling off, Steve decided to ask him about it.

“Hey, what's on your mind?” He had learned that the direct route was often the best tactic.

“Hmm?” Tony looked up, as if unsure he'd heard something. “What?”

“You're not yourself. What's wrong?”

Tony took a deep breath and rubbed a hand over his face. “I was hoping you wouldn't notice,” he finally said.

Steve couldn't help but smile. “Of course I noticed. I'm your friend, Tony. Tell me what's wrong.”

Tony took another breath, as if steeling himself for the inevitable conversation. “It's... It's just that time of year again, you know? It's all over the news, in the papers, I can't walk down the street without hearing people talk about it. It's... It's hard, you know?”

Steve nodded. He had forgotten what day it was. No wonder Tony was less than his best.

“You know, I thought I'd be over this by now. I mean, I'm only seeing Rebecca once a month now. But lately it's just...” he trailed off.

Steve smiled. “I'm proud of you, Tony.”

Tony looked up, shocked. “What? Why? I'm barely here right now.”

“That's true. But you _are_ here. You aren't holed up in your lab getting drunk and punching walls. Your here with me, running, and talking about what's on your mind. That's amazing progress.”

Tony gave a half chuckle. “Progress, sure.”

“It's true, Tony. It might suck now, but you're doing all the right things.”

This time the smile on Tony's face was real. “You're right,” he said. “You always are.”

It was Steve's turn to chuckle. “So do I need to drag you to your next appointment.”

Tony shook his head. “No thanks, I'll be fine.”

Steve smiled. Somehow, he knew, he would be.


End file.
